2016 September 18

Week 4: Cyril Steps In

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Cyril the Salamander at the keyboard

Hi ho, Cyril the Salamander here… (with apologies to my fellow amphibian Kermit the Frog). Elliot has clearly dropped the ball on these updates, so it falls to your humble servant to pick up the slack.

Oh, he mumbles excuses about “side effects” and “family history projects”, but in good conscience I cannot stay silent any longer. The time has come to tell the truth:

Elliot is … a Procrastinator.

What's more, he is unabashedly proud of this defect. On more than one occasion I've heard him trot out the mantra that “Procrastination is efficiency.” His pitiful attempt to rationalize what is merely laziness involves invoking Parkinson's law (“work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion”). I believe the so-called reasoning is formulated as follows:

“If you start writing a paper two weeks before it's due,” he'll say, “It takes two weeks to finish the paper. But if you start the night before, it's done in one night. See how much more efficient that is?”

For some reason WikiLeaks wasn't interested in this revelation, but after watching Elliot update this site it wasn't hard to hack in and publish the real facts.

It's for his own good, of course.